benmara

Im lost, i dont know what i want or need. I know its not gona be another car to get me in trouble. I already have one that will get me in alot of trouble. Been lookin at a sami, but was sold out from under me. So dunno what to do sink $ into cruiser that i dont trust past the county line? Fuk that....

Well sent off my last check for college loans, its paid. Now im lookin at another car. Whats is gona be, an RX7 FC, Honda S2000, aircooled VW, or miata. ????

Ive had alot of pitfalls this past couple months, ive been really down. Even to the point a friend said i need to see a Psychologist. I guess once you hit bottom you have to come back up some time. Well ive come to the fact, im not gettin closer to being happy, just content for the moment. Well i want to turn wrenches, on anything, a plane, car, or even a race car. So im gona start doin things to make me more happy, starting today. Im gona shave my face and enjoy the looks i get when not many people recognize me, fix my truck and start saving to build it to the specs i want, after i pay off school loans. well it late, im gona shower get in bed then shave my face when i wake up.

Heres to MAKING ME more HAPPY

Got a 20 cent raise fukin lovely, sent out some resumes, no one called back, im a wreck. gona try and get some sleep

Well it looks like im just gona stick out as long as i have to. Came into contact with Ben T. a former co worker at Eagle. He was a contractor in Cell 10, but now is a direct in Cell 20 QE/MRB. Lovely i get BSed around for one thing i did wrong, all because some one didnt say a thing. I could have had that job, that Ben has now. But i have to wait one year, till i can apply to any position, at GA. Fuk that im not waiting around to just get the shaft again, Im out as soon i can pay off my loans. No one seems to believe me, but well see in the comming months

Well went out with Liz, movie and dinner. Was good to look back on the past, and sort out some of it. But in the end, NOTHING. I realized my worst fear is gettin closer, the fear of dying alone. No family, no wife, no kids. Im gettin older by the day. The more i look towards the future, and what age i would be if i had kids now, i couldnt enjoy bring them up. id be all caught up working. These sight of my future with no one by my side on my death bed just make me feel like a endless hole of nothing. granted ive got a mother and a father that me and bro will probably put to rest, and say prayers for. But WHO is gona bury me and say prayers for me?

Well i had fun on 1st shift, did 8hrs the got moved back to 2nd shift. How fukin lovely, shitty area manager on 1st shift. So ive been back on 2nd shift doing nothing...... Gota love that were not installing wires on the current barrels.......

Well had fun while it lasted on 2nd shift, the overtime, and the shift differential. Im goin back to 1st shift today, and im still up tryin to get some sleep. And is come to my conclusion that my head aches and migraines are attributed to my sleep habits. Im gona start puttin down alot of money on my school loans, want them paid off. Ive got my eyes and heart on a VW bug, and need to get the Truck on route to being more capable to drive long distances. Well im gona sign off, till the next time......

Well i got the Land Cruiser on the streets again. In time for Easter, feels good to drive it. I missed it so much. Well im still working 2nd Shift, With my shitty super, and templead.
Any its late and i still need some sleep

What is it? Something i havent seen or had in a very long time. This was very apparent when i took a trip North for the weekend. Saw some family, and such. Everyone seemed so happy. I dunno, whats missing? A significant other, money? What? I wish i knew. maybe it would keep at bay these urges to smoke again, oh ive havent smoked in about 4 weeks b/c i was sick with a bad cold.

Ive been Land Cruiser less since the Mt.P Xmas parade, its need the front axle rebuilt. Maybe thats what missing..

I dunno.......

Well, im still workin at Global. I was workin on 1st shift, but recently moved to 2nd shift. I moved for numerous reason, but the stem is to get more sleep. Ive been workin on 4hrs of sleep, since ive moved down from Columbia. Well im gona find some thing to do...... till i next put an entry in

Well have been in training at global for 3 weeks, not bad, just hard to stay awake in class. Well mom bought a larger house in Hanahan. Im currently usin some ones unsecure wireless network hahah muhaha

Well Friday is my last day at Eagle, i cant wait to leave, but im gona miss alot of things, Work, and friends. But on a better note, i start at Global on Monday @ 14hr, at least ill be savin money on gas and not driving back and forth like ive been doin for the past year, any way bed time update in the coming weeks

Well i went and interviewed wit Global, they then called me to set up a drug screening. So looks like im moving back home. Less money, not what i went to school for, but will same more money, be home, and most of all more happy.

Well Global finally called me, offered me $14 hr, not enough for me. Not even related for what i went to school for. So im stayin at Eagle, at least ill have some maint experience. As of lately, JT from avionics, Mike K from Jet Maint, and Kyle S from Piston Maint, have been fired since 2008, really odd esp for JT and Mike, oh well at least i have still have a job

In other news, I had a leaking PHH on the cruiser, fixed that still sucks down some coolant. still need to fix brakes, leakin oring on Xfer case and still do the front axle service.

Any way its another sunday and need to get some sleep

Well Global and Vought didnt call, so im lookin else were at the moment. Also just dealin with work, findin some sites to look for Gov contract jobs. So ive been lookin not applying, no need yet gona get my deposit from Power company before i look for a new job if they dont show me any love on my Year review.

Anyway some Flex shots of the water buffalo (name of this Beast)

Well i went and met Elizabeth, in Charlotte. I havent talked to her in months, it was my idea. Well its been months, since i ate lunch wit Janson and Mark. Still no talks of me goin back to avionics, and theyve hired a new tech. So its looking bleek for me to go back. Well its gettin closer to being at Eagle for one year, well see how it goes. Ive applied at Global and Vought, not counting on them callin me back.

Now to the good awsome news. Ive aquired a 94 Toyota Land Cruiser, its PIMP. I cant wait to get it DD able and wheel it. I had to borrow some money from mom so im gona pay mom off first. Then some mods to the beast.

Here is a pic from the back yard.

Well, im goin to meet Elizabeth, friday after work, and go from there. Work sux, people in avionics are having talks of me coming back, but i dunno how thats gona work. I like Maint, but i dont miss some things from avionics that i did. But my plan is to still do my 2 years, and find a better job else where. Well im gona watch WAR wit Jet Li and Jason Statham.

When parents say they love you, is just a superficial thing? Do they just say it to say it? Do they know what LOVE means to their kids? When was the last time you told you child you loved them? LOVE you, i here this from friends all the time, Tkx Rick, Laurie, and Shannon. But i dont even hear it from my own mother, i miss the worm feeling this ONE word gives me. Some times, i think im just lookin for LOVE, and some one to lean on. One of the things I miss from my past.....

Well just another Christmas. You know that time of year i dread and look forward to. I look forward to it so i can spend time with family. But i dread cause i see what i dont have in my life, happiness.

Well i was doing good till, mom came and told me that my god brother his wife were expectin a child in February. I realized that i dont have a family, i think its more of some one to lean on and support me. Ive been kinda Fragile since my 30th birthday.

Shouldnt family care about what makes you happy? Whats missing from our lives that makes us happy. Well lately ive been spendin alot of money on the car, like always. Tryin to make myself happy, but as you might know it only goes so far.

Well im gona try and keep my self busy, and put these mirrors in some what.